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THE HEAVENS—Upon discovering His shining celestial throne had again begun to wobble beneath Him, God the Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to level it out Tuesday by shoving another cherub under one of its legs.BEAVERTON, OR—Touting the undergarment as an essential item for women on the go, Nike released a new sports bra Monday designed for wearing directly under a coat while shambling around the grocery store, sources reported.After Ross and Rachel ended their relationship, it is revealed that Mark had always had a crush on Rachel and the two went on a date, much to the dismay of Gunther (he was present when Mark asked Rachel out and was so infuriated that he went and smashed some Central Perk property! However Rachel refused to continue a romantic relationship with him due to her mourning the end of her relationship with Ross and when she realized that she was only dating Mark to get back at Ross.Since Rachel felt that being with Mark would be to get back at Ross, Mark decides to "get back at Ross with himself." At some point before Ross and Rachel broke up (In The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner, actually.), Mark either left his job or got promoted, and was replaced by Sophie.Ross was jealous of Mark's relationship with Rachel and resentful of him.Mark was always considered as an obstacle to Ross and Rachel's relationship and was happy when they broke up.VANCOUVER—Announcing its publication in response to overwhelming demand, the editors of the ‘Guinness World Records’ on Wednesday released an abridged book of freaks for readers who just want the good stuff.As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers. PAUL, MN—Identifying a clear preference for novelty above all other qualities, a report from the University of Minnesota released Friday found that morbid curiosity now accounts for 79 percent of the nation’s snack food purchases.

He let me off with a warning and said I better get your number. “If they seem normal—just saying hi, tell me about yourself—I will respond.

Ross and Rachel is the very romantic pairing between Ross Geller and Rachel Green.

This relationship is one of the main plot lines of Friends and seem to be the "One True Pairing" or endgame of the show.

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

HOMESTEAD, FL—Acting on a tip from a local fisherman who caught the former vice president siphoning gas from his outboard motor, DNC Chairman Tom Perez on Monday reportedly tracked down Joe Biden deep in the Florida Everglades tossing whole raw chickens to alligators.




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